Leslie came into room thirty-two fuming. "I can't believe it. My teaching partner stole my language arts lesson and presented it in front of the principal. I'm so angry I could hit her!" Mrs. Patterson gently touched Leslie's shoulder. "Whaaaat's going on?" said Mrs. Patterson in a calm voice.

My partner has finally broken the "camel's back." Leslie explained the months of offensive behavior that Rhonda exhibited --her drug use, her messiness, and her emotional instability in front of her students. Mrs. Patterson inquired,"Have you spoken to her about these things?" Leslie hung her head."No. I wanted to keep the peace between us so I just overlooked it... I hoped the problems would go away..."

There is a high cost to pay when we remain passive and silent. Stress, anger and misunderstandings mount, and eventually spews like an erupting volcano when we fail to speak up about behaviors, attitudes and problematic situations that should be addressed with other people. Oftentimes, problems grow more complex because we failed to address them speedily. This can result in lost money and time, ruptured relationships and low productivity.

Moreover, we tend to create the situations we've tried to avoid. People often disrespect passive people because they fail to communicate their likes and dislikes, limitations and values.

Passive people appear not to respect themselves, and this gives permission to abusive people to continue their irresponsible and destructive behavior. As I began to work with Leslie, she began to see how her "nice girl" image encouraged Leslie's dishonesty, disrespect and addictive behavior.

"Leslie, I suggested,"let's talk about how to have that difficult conversation with Rhonda." However, as we peeled back the layers of the situation , it became apparent that at the heart of Leslie's passivity was fear---- extreme fear of confrontation. We needed to address that before going any further.

Three Ways to Overcome Fear of Confrontation

1. Role play

Many of us have not had the opportunity to learn how to negotiate problems we have between ourselves and others. Find a mentor in this area. Do you know someone who has problem solving skills? Can they clearly state problems, site examples, and listen to the other party without over reacting? Learning how to have a confrontational conversation takes practice, but you will build your confidence and will diminish as you actually do it.

2. Watch your thoughts

At the basis of most fears is illogical thinking patterns. Keep a journal. When fearful thoughts arise about confrontation write them down. You'll be surprised at the thoughts that swim in your head. For example, you might write: "If I speak up to Rhonda she might start yelling at me." Counter fearful, irrational thoughts with the truth:"Yes, she may yell at me, but I don't have to listen to it. I can leave the room or ask her to leave and come back to the discussion when she has calmed down." As you persist in countering your negative thoughts with the truth, you'll find fearful thoughts diminishing.

3. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!

While it is true that your hands may shake and beads of sweat might run down your forehead, have the problem solving conversation anyway!

Does your problem solving conversation have to be communicated perfectly? No. If it's new skill for you, it will be like riding a bicycle without training wheels-- you'll fall, get back on and try again. Besides, you have rehearsed your problem solving conversation with your mentor, and you'll present your points better than you think. With each effort at being assertive, standing up to an offense and solving differences, you'll find anxiety symptoms fade. Your self-esteem will rise.

We need to address problems that arise everyday. If other's hurtful attitudes, addictions, dishonesty, messiness, insensitivity and unfaithfulness offend you--speak up! By doing so, you are communicating to others how you want to be treated--- with respect.